The Owner's Manual

The wiper blades scrambled back and forth, trying to keep up with the raindrops that were pelting the windshield. The outdoor thermometer in the Tahoe read 43 degrees, but even so, the drops kept getting larger and thicker – like tiny snowballs splattering on the glass.

Yes, it was a wet and chilly October morning and Mickey and I were on the way to the orthodontist for her monthly braces adjustment. Mickey sat entranced by the rhythm of the wipers, while I was just plain annoyed that I had to have them on at full speed. A summer as dry as can be, and now – when we don’t need the rain – here it is, and has been for the last couple days.

Rain, rain, go away – come again some other … hey, what is that little red light on my Tahoe’s instrument panel? I’d never seen that one before. Usually the amber colored light indicates whether the vehicle is in 4-wheel drive or 2-wheel drive. It looks like the letter “N”. And it’s red. I press the button for 2-wheel drive. No response. I press the other button for 4-wheel drive. No response.

“Well, I’m going to pull over and stop,” before Mickey could ask me what in the world I was doing.

Just like my computer, I’ll bet this one just needs to be rebooted. So I pull over on the side of the road, put the ignition in Park, and shut off the engine. One, two, three … I count to ten and start the engine again and pull out onto the highway.

Darn, the red light is still on.

“Grab my cell phone out of my purse…I think it’s in there,” I say to Mickey – jolting her out of her trance.

“Call Dad – press 2 – I’ve got him on speed dial,” I add, keeping my eyes on the road – and the red light.

Amazingly, he actually answered his phone!

“Yeah, I’ve got this red light with a little “N” by it on the panel where it should say 2-wheel drive. What’s that all about? It wasn’t there when I left. I’ve never even seen it before.”

“I dunno. Must be in Neutral or something,” is his reply.

“Well, is that dangerous, I mean will it stop moving while I’m driving or something?"

“If it was in Neutral it shouldn’t be moving at all,” he states matter-of-factly.

“Should I stop somewhere and have it looked at?”

“I dunno.”

I could see this conversation was going nowhere. So I said goodbye and shut my phone.

Mickey grabbed the Tahoe owner’s manual out of the glove compartment. She said, “I can look it up.” I thought, why not? So I told her to search the Table of Contents for 4-Wheel Drive, as I continued down the highway.

Oh, she found it right away.

“SHIFT THE VEHICLE’S TRANSFER CASE TO NEUTRAL ONLY WHEN YOU ARE TOWING THE VEHICLE”, read the warning letters in bold and caps.

Well, we were obviously not towing the vehicle, we were bounding down the highway at about 56 miles an hour and all I could think of is CRAP. Now what?

Mickey turns the page. “Oh, here it says what to do!” she exclaims – and begins to read more. “Set the parking brake and apply the regular brake pedal. Shift the transmission to Neutral and turn the ignition to Run with the engine off."

“Wait, I’ve got to pull over,” I beg, “then read it to me again, step by step.”

I quickly exit to the side of the road again and she continues reading – as I follow her directions.

“Press the button for the desired transfer case shift position. After the transfer case has shifted out of Neutral the Neutral light will go out.”

GUESS WHAT - IT DID!

“Now, Mom – release the parking brake. Start the engine and shift the transmission to the desired position.”

All was well except for the red brake light which followed simultaneously. By now, Mickey is flipping through the owner’s manual at an expert’s pace. I know that when I released the parking brake it must not have released fully. But she doesn’t. And so I pull over – again – to fiddle with the parking brake as she is reading me the instructions on how to get rid of the red brake light.

When that was gone, and we were back on the road again, I wasn’t annoyed by the hyperactive wipers anymore. I was just happy as can be that we only wasted ten minutes of our time this morning.

Mickey turns to me and bursts out excitedly, “See Mom, we don’t even need men. We fixed this all by ourselves!”

“Yup, we did a good job, didn’t we?” I agreed, thinking most men don’t usually get the owner’s manual out.

We pulled into the parking lot at the orthodontist right on time – and I added, “See Mickey, that’s why we always leave a tad early – just in case … we have to fix our car or something along the way.”

Off To College

Reprinted from August 28, 2008 - in honor of all the moms letting go as their kids pack up and head out to college.

I could just tell they were “college shopping”. The mom and her son were putting a set of bed sheets into their cart. Right away I thought of the day ten years ago that Jonathan went off to college. In fact, it was our first experience with one of our children living away from home.

Oh my gosh, I thought we would never get going because he waited until the day before to pack. That night when he was wandering around aimlessly, I made him a little checklist. Good thing I did, because he would have forgotten his alarm clock.

In less than 24 hours I think I managed to tell him everything I thought he needed to know. Not that I hadn’t been trying to teach him all along, but you know – it’s the last minute second-guessing, wondering if you did the parenting right that gets you.

The drive into unknown territory took a couple hours. As we were parked outside his dorm unloading our car, I quickly realized that the girls I saw moving in were carrying quite a bit more than we were. Lamps, furry chairs, bulletin boards – lots of big stuff. I do remember picking out a set of extra long twin sheets for his bed, plus a basket to carry his shampoo and soap in to the shower, but other than that – he packed up the most important things – his computer, stereo and television. Oh, and some clothes. Plus his school supplies - a pen, notebook and folder.

As we stood in line to check in, I found myself leading the way. All of a sudden I realized – I have to let him do this by himself. So I stepped back.

And waited.

Finally he got in line. He picked up his keys, filled out the paperwork and we trudged upstairs to find his room. Why are dorm rooms always on the top floor?

I did the introductions to his roommate. Well, someone had to say something! You guessed it, he is very shy. So shy in fact, that he proceeded to put his computer together without even looking at the other guy in the room. So I did the small talk - my thoughts are in parenthesis here for you to read.

Where do you live? (Just got out of prison.)
What do your parents do? (Alcohol and drugs.)
Do you have brothers and sisters? (In half-way houses.)
What are your hobbies? (Playing with knives and guns.)

We walked around campus and took care of some business. I think we walked about ten miles – or at least long enough for my feet to really hurt. We ate some lunch and then went back to the dorm room. His roommate wasn’t there right then, so I thought we should say our good-byes and get going. No eighteen year old guy wants a kiss from his mom in front of his new roommate. Plus, we had to pick up Mickey at Grandma’s.

That’s right, I still have a 5-year old at home to take care of. Almost forgot.

I gave my son a big hug and kiss and told him I loved him. I told him to call me. (This was before cell phones, texting and even before instant messaging, mind you.) Then we left.

About twenty-nine miles out of town, my eyes welled up with tears. I silently sobbed for a half hour and then was real quiet the remainder of the trip. Finally I was okay - until that evening, when I went downstairs to his bedroom.

As I got to the bottom of the steps I looked around. A lot of his things were gone – but a lot of stuff was still there. His golf ball collection and the posters on his wall. His cds and dart board. Plus the clothes he didn’t need to take along.

I don’t know why, but I opened his top dresser drawer.

Staring at me were fifty-two white socks that were missing mates.

And I bawled my eyes out.

Blessings to all college kids on the brink of independence. And blessings to their parents during this tough time of giving them wings.

The Casino

Until this past May, I had never been to a casino in my life. The only casinos I’d ever seen were in the movies. You could say it was a life-long dream of mine – to experience it, anyway. To experience the mystery and intrigue of it all... To satisfy the urge to find out what it’s all about...

So, when Jonathan and I attended this year’s Brain Association of Wisconsin’s annual convention in Green Bay, suddenly my life-long dream became reality. Our motel was attached to the casino. We were literally just steps away from potential wealth. (Or more likely from the slim chance that this would ever happen to us.)

With twenty-dollar bills in hand, Jonathan and I made our way past the security guard at the door and strolled on into the casino, trying to look like we belonged there – or at least like we knew what we were doing. We wove our way around the various slot machines, past the black jack table, circled around to the beverage station and then back again. This casino contained probably ninety percent slots, ranging from penny machines to five dollar machines. The slot machines were alive with blinking colored lights, sweet sounding beeps, bells and whistles. And fingerprints.

(Only the second week into the swine flu outbreak, I made a mental note to myself to keep my fingers out of my mouth and to stop at the restroom to wash my hands before we left.)

Neither of us quite sure what to do, Jonathan finally sat himself down at one of the dollar machines.

Twenty seconds later his money was gone.

We walked around some more, thinking and talking potential strategy– we’d better find a different machine or we’d be out of money in a few minutes. Or at least practice on the penny machines first.

He chose a two-cent machine and I sat down beside him. The lady two stools down looked as if she had been there a while. Her elbow rested on her crossed legs as she propped her cigarette precariously on the edge of her lips, leaving her other hand free to spin. Obviously a veteran slot player, I decided to watch this woman.

She had quite a few credits (apparently they don’t spill out buckets of coins anymore) to her favor. When I figured out how she was playing the game, I decided to try it on my own. I decided to go big and risk a five dollar bill. I selected twelve rows and doubled down.

My credits lasted quite a while. I was actually up to $13.85 at one point.

But as my wealth grew, my desire to keep on spinning grew as well. I drove the machine down to zero.

We spent about forty bucks each in two days at the casino. Cheaper than dinner and a movie? Yup. Time spent with my son? Priceless.

Do I need to go again? I think it’s safe to say I’ve satisfied the urge.

A Spur-of-the Moment Disaster

Mickey loves superheroes. We had to stand in line for an hour at Universal Studios in Florida four years ago to have her picture taken with Spiderman. She plays the Batman DVD over and over again. And she fell in love with the fireball from The Fantasic Four named Johnny Storm.

So when she asked me to make a spur-of-the moment decision on seeing a movie about superheroes, I simply thought - she will love this.

Until I found out it was rated R. I thought, I suppose there is some violence. Can’t be worse than a C.S.I. episode, could it? I thought, I suppose there could be some bad language. Can’t be worse than what I hear in the halls at school. And after all, Mickey was raised in the real world. But she has also been taught that even though it’s all around us, it’s not right. And she lives by that.

Mickey twisted my arm as we stood in line at the box office. My niece was agreeable to whatever movie we decided on. With hesitation in my voice I said, “ohhh, I don’t know…”

She asked for a synopsis of the plot for me. My niece read aloud as I heard the words Cold War and Soviet Union. I thought, this doesn’t really sound that good.

But Mickey persisted….

So we got our popcorn and found a seat.

An hour into the movie, I kept hoping it would get better. I kept hoping the dark, wet streets of the city would lend their way to sunshine and daytime. But they didn’t.

Two hours later I asked Mickey to text her dad to tell her where we were, so he didn’t wonder.

The blue man (a victim of a radioactive accident in 1961) could make himself twenty feet tall. His blue skin was translucent, giving view to his skeleton beneath. He had a gentle voice. He went to Mars, where it was quiet, to think. And he was naked.

The man with the mask cut the villains’ arms off with a grinder. But it wasn’t very realistic … thankfully.

There were a few humorous punch lines. We laughed.

By eleven p.m. I said to the girls, “Oh my gosh - this has to be almost over, doesn’t it?” We decided we all hated it.

Finally as the credits began to roll, we grabbed our stuff and headed to the parking lot.

There the truth spilled out of my mouth.

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into this movie. I’m picking the next one!”

And more to my niece – “Your dad will never let me take you to a movie again!”

I would bet that spur-of-the-moment decisions in life almost never turn out to be good things. I guess that’s why our parents try to teach us to think first. So our spur-of-the-moment decisions don’t become disasters.

Guess who couldn’t sleep that night?

Mickey slept fine. My niece slept fine.

I kicked and screamed “help!” in my sleep that night - my husband had to wake me from the train ride I was on. And believe me, I was thankful he did.

BECAUSE SOMEONE WAS TRYING TO GET ME!

Next movie? Rated G, please.

And an after-thought: If you don’t like the movie you are in, just get up and walk out for heaven sakes!

Trust Your Heart

The air was frigid. It was one of the coldest days so far this winter. As we got closer to the stop light, we saw two gentlemen standing by the curb, the wind chill literally taking their breath away. A piece of cardboard, cut from a box, had writing on it, scrawled with a black magic marker. The light turned red.

With my car slowly rolling to a stop, I was able to make out the words “Please, we need money for bus tickets,” and “God bless you”.

The driver in the car ahead of me opened his window and handed them money.

In an instant, I turned and grabbed for my purse. My thick, glove-covered hands pulled a ten dollar bill out of my wallet. By now the light had turned green. I glanced in my rear view mirror and could see about four cars behind me. Tugging on the window switch, it made its way down. At the same time, I slowly pulled ahead and thrust the ten dollar bill out of the window as my car neared one of the gentlemen.

He took the money and said “God bless you ma’am”. I nodded to him and drove off.

As we rounded the corner, Mickey turned to me and said, “Didn’t that feel good?” I agreed with her. It felt really good.

I don’t know how many of the subsequent cars behind me followed suit, but I know at least one did. I don’t know if these gentlemen really needed bus tickets or not, but I didn’t care.

Then turning back to Mickey I said, “It doesn’t really matter what they wanted the money for. What matters is that we trusted our heart.”

The Secret Ingredient

My husband’s mother is mother to more than just him. She has six other children, a whole mess of grand and great-grandchildren, and has been married for over fifty years . Several years ago, she partnered with her husband running a 500 cow dairy farm in western Wisconsin. This brings me in a round-about way to the subject today.

First, I must elaborate a little more.

She has always cooked for a big family. She has always cooked for a table full of hired farm hands, plus her seven children and grand children. She cooked in quantity - seemingly effortlessly. On the farm, meat and potatoes were plentiful, a staple of the meal. She used a pressure cooker to tenderize less desirable cuts of meat. She served fresh vegetables from her garden. Yes, dinner was in the oven while she was milking cows.

My mother-in-law collects cookbooks. She cuts recipes out of magazines and newspapers. Her recipe cupboard is filled to the brim, the doors bursting at the seams – propped shut with a ruler slid between the pulls. My mother-in-law loves to get ideas from the recipes she collects.

She just doesn’t like to follow the recipes.

I remember one time there was an insurance salesman at the house. She offered him a slice of fresh peach pie. He loved it. He asked her for her recipe. She just laughed and changed the subject.

After he left, she told me that she added the morning’s leftover pancake batter in with the pie crust dough.

Yes, she adds this, and leaves that out. She doubles this and substitutes that. She doesn’t measure, she just knows.

And it all turns out. And even though we know this, we still ask her for her recipe. And she can’t give it to us, because she didn’t use one … exactly, anyway. But still we ask.

The subject today – the secret ingredient.

In preparing the turkey for our family’s Thanksgiving dinner, I wanted to get the same delicious results that I’ve had eating turkey dinner that my mother-in-law has cooked. So I boldly asked her for her recipe, confident that whatever she told me would be good enough for me.

“I stuff the bird with chopped up carrots, onions and celery. I season it and put it in a cooking bag. Oh, and drizzle some maple syrup on top.”

I must admit, it turned out delicious. But I didn’t write it down.

The next fall I called her again, pleading “Could you please give me that recipe again for turkey? I promise I’ll write it down this time.”

She is more than willing to share with me. “I stuff the bird with apples and dried apricots. I season it and put it in a cooking bag. Oh, and drizzle some maple syrup on top.”

I finally figured it out. It really doesn’t matter how you cook it. As long as you use the secret ingredient, that is. Maple syrup.

The War Zone

After three months of do-it-almost-by-yourself remodeling, I am still working on my kitchen and laundry room. I greet guests at the door by saying, “Welcome to the war zone.”

The bank of cabinetry that housed the old range cook top, wall oven and refrigerator are gone - replaced by patched-in drywall, torn up flooring, re-routed venting and updated wiring in the wall.

My Tupperware is in a tote in the office. My pots and pans are on the bed in the guest room. My canned and boxed foods are on a bookshelf in the hallway. Cookbooks and other seldom used items from my cabinets are piled high on the dining room table. My baking pans are in a box on the dining room floor.

One day, I looked all afternoon for my blender. Giving up, I borrowed my mom’s.

When I opened the cabinet in the laundry room the other day, there was my blender.

My new refrigerator is parked in front of the window. The kitchen table is pushed up against the wall in front of another window. My new stove is sitting in the spot my refrigerator will eventually call home. My new dishwasher and micro/hood are still at the appliance store, waiting for me to pick them up.

Until the drywall is done, I have no lighting in my kitchen, other than the fixture over the table, a small plug-in night light by the stove, and our battery operated camp lantern.

Yes, I called in a favor from someone who does drywall. He works evenings, when he has time – and when he seems to need the ambition to show up at my door, I call him to pester him just a little. So far, I have been pretty patient.

Until Wednesday night.

Our plan was to strategically move around the kitchen and laundry room, never having to upset the apple cart just too much, moving everything back and forth. But that did not happen. Tuesday night he came and put up one corner bead, then left. Wednesday night he asked me to unload the upper and lower cabinets to the left of the sink so he could pull them out to work on a spot adjacent to them. He would cut the countertop to save my kitchen sink. Because I absolutely refuse to be without my sink for more than a week.

In an instant, the ball is now in my court.

So this morning I tackled the job. What a good job for Saturday morning, right? I moved the plates, bowls and mugs to the cabinet at the right of the sink. I moved the cereal and other pantry items to a tote and put it in the hallway. I cleaned out the cabinet with vases, funky glasses and Christmas plates. The silverware tray fit right on top of the microwave. Our paper plates, paper napkins and cups are in a box in the office. The phone books are on the dining room table. All that was left was the “dreaded cabinet.”

My dreaded cabinet was a catch all spot. I cleaned out all the other ones first. I did a couple loads of laundry. I swept the floor. Finally, I took a deep breath and opened the cabinet door. It was filled with wall calendars from 2004 – 2007, a few small containers of items I’ve collected through the years – nuts, bolts, spare change, a box of bb’s from the boys’ bb gun (which had spilled – of course), a couple of unclaimed chess pieces. An old phone and its cords, a couple candles, a pottery piece Jonathan made in art class, keys that belong to something. And a lot of junk. Most of it went in the trash.

Now the ball is in his court again.

And I suppose I will live in the war zone for another month.

Sometimes its nice when time flies.

Off to College

I saw a mom and her son college shopping for bed sheets the other day at Target. I can’t help but remember very well the day back in 1999 that our middle son went off to college. In fact, it was our first experience with one of our children living away from home.

I thought we would never get going because he waited until the day before to pack. That night when he was wandering around aimlessly, I made him a little checklist. Good thing I did, because he would have forgotten his alarm clock.

In less than 24 hours I think I managed to tell him everything I thought he needed to know. Not that I hadn’t been trying to teach him all along, but you know – it’s the last minute second-guessing, wondering if you did the parenting right that gets you.

The drive into unknown territory took a couple hours. As we were parked outside his dorm unloading our car, I quickly realized that the girls I saw moving in were carrying quite a bit more than we were. Lamps, furry chairs, bulletin boards – lots of big stuff. I do remember picking out a set of extra long twin sheets for his bed, plus a basket to carry his shampoo and soap in to the shower, but other than that – he packed up the most important things – his computer, stereo and television. Oh, and some clothes. Plus a pen, notebook and folder.

As we stood in line to check in, I found myself leading the way. All of a sudden I realized – I have to let him do this by himself. So I stepped back.

And waited.

Finally he got in line. He picked up his keys, filled out the paperwork and we trudged upstairs to find his room.

I did the introductions to his roommate. Well, someone had to say something! You guessed it, he is very shy. So shy in fact, that he proceeded to put his computer together without even looking at the other guy in the room. So I did the small talk - my thoughts are in parenthesis here for you to read.

Where do you live? (Just got out of prison.)
What do your parents do? (Alcohol and drugs.)
Do you have brothers and sisters? (In half-way houses.)
What are your hobbies? (Playing with knives and guns.)

We walked around campus and took care of some business. I think we walked about ten miles – or at least long enough for my feet to really hurt. We ate some lunch and then went back to the dorm room. His roommate wasn’t there right then, so I thought we should say our good-byes and get going. No eighteen year old guy wants a kiss from his mom in front of his new roommate. Plus, we had to pick up Mickey at Grandma’s. That’s right, I still have a 5-year old at home to take care of. Almost forgot.

I gave my son a big hug and kiss and told him I loved him. I told him to call me. (This was before cell phones and instant messaging, mind you.) Then we left.

About 29 miles out of town, my eyes welled up with tears. I silently sobbed for a half hour and then was real quiet the remainder of the trip. Finally I was okay - until that evening, when I went downstairs to his bedroom.

As I got to the bottom of the steps I looked around. A lot of his things were gone – but a lot were still there. His golf ball collection and the posters on his wall. His cds and dart board. Plus the clothes he didn’t need to take along. I opened his top dresser drawer. I counted about 52 white socks that were missing mates.

And I bawled my eyes out.

P.S. My sadness was short lived. He eventually came back to visit, along with his dirty clothes. I’m convinced that its God’s way of preparing us for the day our children will leave home for good. Blessings to all college kids on the brink of independence. And blessings to their parents during this tough time of giving them wings.

Leap Of Faith

I had a big job to do and not much time.

There were two weeks left to get my student rental ready for the new tenants. At last minute (such as most of my life goes) I decided that the rental was in dire need of new carpet and paint (two bedrooms, a hall and stairway, plus the dining and living rooms).

My sister listened intently to my self-inflicted feel sorry for myself since I’ve bit off more than I can chew and could use help attitude (with the rental, not with the lunch) while we ate. The girls giggled and chatted about teenage girl stuff.

All of a sudden, I thought – maybe they could help me paint. The girls. The fourteen year old girls.

“Have you ever painted before?”

“Just pictures”, they both answered.

My sister quickly processes where this conversation is going and I can see her cringe with thoughts of paint spattered floors, walls and girls.

“I can teach you. It’s not that hard.” I also added, “I would pay you.”

Eyes light up. Ears perk up. They both sit up straight in their chairs. “Yes, we’ll help you.”

We decide on a date and time. The plans are set. I instruct them, “Wear clothes you can get paint on.”

Because I am not entirely naïve, I go a couple days ahead and do the edging.

On painting day, and after a quick lesson in Painting 101, the girls take over. I stay in the house, but away from the paint tray.

Giggling warmed the house all day long. Tons of giggling.

And after five hours of rolling until their arms felt like rubber, I stood back to admire their work.

There were quite a few drips – which I showed them how to catch. And there were a few oops – which I showed them how to wipe. And there were some splatters on the floor – which would soon dry and be covered by new carpet.

And there were my two nieces, paychecks in hand – who saved me at least two days worth of painting.

All because I took a leap of faith.

Direction

It’s not about going right or left. It’s not about going north or south.

It’s about guiding your children in their decision-making. It’s about asking“What do you think you should do?” instead of saying, “I think you should do this.”

But, instinct tells us to protect them and take care of them. So saying the latter is much harder – especially when you can see disaster coming.

For instance, relationship issues sure can tug at a mother’s heart. We see them happy in relationships and it warms our heart. While at the same time, we remember from our own youth just how devastating relationships can be when things go south. We mothers may even ending up gaining or losing a new found friend out of the deal whom we hold dear in our hearts as well.

The whole picture-

It’s so easy to get caught up in our children’s lives that we often forget that being a parent is about helping them see the whole picture so that they can make a good decision on their own. Or maybe a bad decision – in which case, would be one to learn from.

We need to ask questions like, “How does that make you feel?”, or “What do you think will happen if you do that?” And once in a while (if you have a grown boy, for instance) you might need to be pretty specific and say, “Here it is from a female perspective”, just to remind them that girls often think quite differently.

And in the end, we are always there to help pick up the pieces, get them back on their feet, brush themselves off and continue on with life – their own life. Hopefully – a bit wiser the next time around.

Hey, did you figure out that the "we" in this story might really be "me"?

Just For A Little Bit

The old woman sits in her chair by the window, waiting. Waiting and hoping that someone will visit today. Just for a little bit.

Each day is filled with routine. The nurse helps her use the bathroom. She gets dressed for breakfast. They wheel her down the hall to the dining area, where she waits patiently by her table for the tray. Will today’s tray be filled with something different from yesterday’s tray? Small talk is made at the table by those who can talk. “How are you today?” “Fine, thank you.” The lady next to her is cordial, but after a minute begins spreading grape jelly on her toast. This lady continues to spread the jelly, compulsively scraping every smidgen of it from the serving container. She spreads it back and forth, up and down, and back and forth again, never actually taking a bite.

Breakfast is done and the old woman is wheeled back to her room. The nurse helps her brush her teeth and she lay back in her bed, takes her medication and falls asleep for a nap. She awakens to the sound of the nurse in the room. After getting out of bed to use the bathroom, the old woman sits in her chair for a while. She hears children in the hall. They are here to visit someone. But not her.

The old woman tries to make small talk with her roommate. “What is your husband’s name?” “Where do you live?” Each of them has forgotten that they had this same conversation yesterday.

She chooses to eat lunch in her room today. The nurse brings in her tray and she sits up in bed to eat. It’s just easier than getting up and getting out. After lunch and help using the bathroom, the old woman again lays down to rest. The clock ticks, second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, until the afternoon is long gone.

Supper is eaten and she goes back to her room.

The old woman sits in her chair by the window, waiting. Waiting and hoping that someone will visit today. Just for a little bit.

Having my mom stay at the nursing home for the last ten days for rehabilitation has given me a new perspective on aging. I wish I would have visited my Grandma more, but I was too busy. Go visit someone who is lonely today. Just for a little bit.

The River Of Life

Mom and Dad married on June 28, 1958. They began their journey on the river of life in a little house along the highway, one in which the five of us would end up spending a good chunk of life at, in our own circle of love – our family.

Through the years on this river of life, there were tears, laughter, sadness and joy – family, sharing, learning and loving.

In the tough times, we stuck together. Together we survived Dad’s bout with an infection that kept him hospitalized for over thirty days. Together we shared in the household chores – cooking and cleaning while Mom spent several times in the hospital herself, for various illnesses. As a family we held each other tight when we lost our grandparents and other special people – aunts and uncles, family and friends.

In the joyous times, we celebrated together. There were awesome birthday parties – home made cakes and sleepovers. There was a move to the farm – remodeling our bedrooms, with each of us picking a totally different theme. We celebrated weddings, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and today – an anniversary.

When Mom and Dad look back on their life to list their accomplishments, they don’t have to look much farther than this family. They have raised three pretty decent children, with admittedly, a few family quirks, but nonetheless, decent children.

Accomplishments in life may mean giving birth to three children while wheelchair bound, stretching meals when times were tight, or pitching a tent in the back yard and roasting marshmallows for entertainment. Accomplishments may mean always providing for your family, working long days to make sure their needs were met, or spending time with them at the lake, not letting them know that you really hated fishing.

Mom and Dad continue to live their river of life as an example to us all.

Fifty years ago, he lovingly carried her over the threshold and today, he lovingly carries her out of bed into her chair. Fifty years ago, she lovingly cooked a special meal for his birthday, and today she lovingly puts a meal on the table for him when she can.

As this river flows, the caring and commitment is never ending, around the bends and turns, through the turbulence and calm waters, through the highs and lows of the tides. The river changes as it runs – sprouting forth new streams, each by themselves insignificant, but together – all a part of the mighty river of life.

The River of Life is a true journey – and we are all in it together – as a family.

My Gene Pool

Apparently my love for the orange-handled crow bar is genetic. My dear Aunt E, upon reading my last post about how I tore down the paneled walls in my kitchen, informed me that my grandmother did a little demolition in her day, too. Grandma cut the “horns” off the wooden chairs and the “claw” feet off the side table to modernize things a little. More importantly, Aunt E told me that Grandma got so sick of looking at the wainscoting in her kitchen that one day she ripped it off. After all, if she didn’t do it – no one would. Truth be told, if I were living in Grandma’s farm house today, I would probably put the wainscoting back on. But nonetheless, it is delightfully awesome to find out why I love the crow bar so much.

Excerpts from the writing I did when Grandma passed away back in September of 2001 –

Grandma is still very much alive in my senses.

Thinking back to when I mowed her lawn, I can smell the flowers growing in Grandma’s yard - lilacs, snowballs and peonies. In spite of being deathly afraid of bees, I would cross my fingers and duck around each bush with the mower, being very careful not to nick one.

My mouth puckers when I remember Grandma’s home made dill pickles. In the cookie jar, I can taste Grandma’s cookies with butter frosting and her cake doughnuts rolled in sugar.

In Grandma’s bedroom on the farm, I can see Grandma’s big bed with the soft white blanket with roses on it. I can see her tiny shoes, neatly paired up under the chair in our living room. I can see Grandma’s garnet ring on her finger and her purple sweater lying over the chair. One last thing I can see and never will forget is the love in Grandma’s eyes, as she looked at my little girl.

I can feel the love in Grandma’s hands as she wiped the grease and grime from mine, standing behind me at the sink with her arms around me and holding my hands under the water with hers, rubbing with soap and then rinsing both of our hands together. Snuggling in bed with her, I can feel her soft, silvery gray hair.

I can hear her telling me about her life as a young girl. With sadness in her voice, I can hear Grandma tell me about her sister Christina, whom she lost when she was young. I can hear Grandma talking with great pride about Grandpa, and what a wonderful man he was. I can hear the pride in her voice as she spoke of her Norwegian heritage. I can hear Grandma talking with pride about Dad, Aunt E and Aunt J, and in later years, about her grandchildren and great-grandchildren. And most recently, I can hear Grandma calling “take me home”.

Our family touches us and gives us a sense of belonging and a place in this world. Grandma and Grandpa began their own circle of life many years ago, and I am here today because I am a part of it.

This is what makes me who I am, orange-handled crow bar and all.

Enjoy The Mess

Who ever said boys and girls are similar, obviously never raised both. Raising two boys had its advantages – and its disadvantages, depending on your point of view. With the boys, there was no everlasting shower or bath, no hair curling and styling, no seven different outfits before you find the right one. With the boys, I could shout, “come on, let’s go!” and they were instantly calling “shotgun” for the front seat.

Yes, it has taken me quite a while, but I have finally learned that if we are going somewhere, Mickey needs an hour to get ready. That’s an hour after the hour long bath.

Sharing a bathroom with Mickey tests my unconditional love for her every day. Amidst the puddles of contact solution on the countertop, strands of foot-long hair wrap themselves round and round into never-ending circles, and every container in her basket lay open on the countertop, leaving the basket itself, empty. Two pairs of flip-flops, along with yesterday’s socks are scattered over the floor, strewn together with the nine million towels – some hung over the rods and some just laying limp on the floor. Her job is to clean the bathroom, and now you know why.

Driving past a nearby house, I think to myself. Their two girls are gone. Graduated from high school, college and moved on. I’ll bet their bathroom is as clean as a whistle.

So I take a deep breath and try to somehow enjoy the mess while I can.

Are You His Mother, Or What?

I just got back from a weekend trip to visit my son and his roommate, an old high school friend. Although both boys have grown up in the ten years following high school, I couldn’t help but reminisce to myself just a little bit.

From my June 14, 2000 journal -

Jonathan calls, “Mom, how does Cody go about going to the doctor?”

“What happened?”

“He hurt his foot at the rodeo.” (He was not participating – he was too old.)

“He was sliding down the tent pole and probably broke his ankle.” (At two a.m. - you do the math.)

“He should probably call his mother and find out if he has to go to a certain clinic, then call that clinic and tell them he needs to have an x-ray. Oh, and make sure you tell Cody to call into work and let them know what’s going on also.”

Cody is now in my basement 24 hours a day until the doctor says he can go back to work. Should I worry that he has only microwave popcorn to eat? Should I worry that he might need some movies to watch or something? Should I make sure there’s plenty of ice?

Last night I fed him broasted chicken and macaroni and cheese. Then I invited him upstairs for a change of scenery. He sat in the recliner for a while and watched tv with Mickey. I offered to get him a bag of ice for his foot. I asked him if he needed any ibuprofen.

Mickey says to me, “Are you his mother, or what?”

I shrugged off her question, but realized that there is an instinctive part inside all mothers to take care of anyone’s children, not just their own. Besides, this is how they learn!

The next day I fed him two BLT’s and a chocolate malt, to which Cody replied, “I tried to pick up my room a little today. It was kind of hard to do though, because I had to crawl on the floor to do it.”

Ten years later, Cody is now a successful manager at a large retail store – still going to rodeos almost every weekend. But these ones, he is participating in.

Until The Cows Come Home

It seemed that my seventeen year old son was constantly testing my unconditional love for him. Whether it be a call to the principal’s office (the principal was my boss, mind you), or something he clearly did without thinking first, what sticks in my mind is the fact that he literally begged me to allow him to stay out later than his set curfew of midnight. It seemed that most kids in his class had no curfew at all. Unbelievable. Too bad. I told him time and time again – there is nothing someone your age can do between midnight and 2:00 a.m. but get into trouble. He still complained, and tried in every way to twist my arm. As a compromise, and after calling several of his friend’s parents to survey them, I did extend his curfew by an hour. This brought him home while I was usually up anyway with his baby sister at her 1:00 a.m. feeding, which in the long run, worked out well to my advantage.

Our middle child, age 15 at the time, soon found himself in the possession of his learner’s permit. In a short while I would have two teenage boys on the road. Eewww. This time around, I lectured about the dangers of being called to the principal’s office. I forewarned him of his mother’s wrath him by telling him that he had better never behave in a way that would warrant my having to type a letter to myself from the principal. This seemed to work. In fact, I eventually ended up telling him, “it’s Friday night, please go out with your friends.”

A year later, out of the blue, my husband bought a herd of dairy cows. Not for the love of dairy cows, mind you - but I think it was to give our boys a reason to go to bed early at night – and not stay out until the cows come home.

The Gum Grandma

When I was about eleven years old, I remember my dad’s cousin stopping in to visit. Unknowingly, “Grandma” Sally had started a very innocent routine which involved asking my little brother if he would like a piece of gum. Once five year-old David caught on, Sally could barely get her foot in the door before being hounded by him to dig in her purse for gum. There was no “Hi, Sally”, just “I want some gum.” My mother was totally red-faced, wishing she could find a corner to hide in. I realize now that although the feeding of this sweet tooth addiction threw all the knowledge of the manners my parents had taught him right out the window, Sally probably didn’t mind a bit.

My granddaughter, Chrissy, went through a tough time when she was four, not wanting to leave my house when Mom or Dad was ready. This left Mom and Dad, who already had frayed nerves at the end of a long day at work, with little patience for a screaming child. When her Dad threatened to “ground her from coming to Grandmas”, I knew that I would have to quickly think of Plan B. Because I knew for sure that it must be almost impossible to be grounded from visiting your grandma. Or it should be.

I decided to suggest to her parents that instead of punishing her for bad behavior, we reward Chrissy for good behavior. Her mom’s job was to give Chrissy a call on the phone when she was ready to leave work. This was Chrissy’s cue to put her toys away and get her shoes on in anticipation of Mom’s arrival. Chrissy would then be given a sticker to put on the calendar and rewarded with a piece of gum for following Plan B. This was an instant hit! I don’t think Chrissy ever ended up leaving my house without a piece of gum. We don’t use Plan B anymore, because Chrissy knows that “when it’s time to go – it’s time to go.”

I never thought I would someday be the Gum Grandma. But both of my granddaughters frequently raid my purse for gum. And neither of them has ever been grounded by their Dad from coming to Grandma’s house. Plan B. It worked very well.